Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Pre-Review Reflection
Looking back on my first draft of Core I, I can honestly say that the conclusion of my paper is definitely the weakest part. I tried to arrange it so that I didn't repeat anything from the previous material in the paper, but I don't think I was too successful. Secondly, throughout the paper I had a feeling that it was repetitive by saying the same information over and over again. Going through the revision process, I'll make sure to distinguish where there is repetition and where there is not.
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The purpose of this essay is clear. The thesis is direct and easy to follow allowing for a easy understanding of the commercials direction. The advertisement was easy to visualize with the descriptions throughout the text. Some of the sentences that stood out include the cartoon-like music, a dull drone voice, and the lavish pirate costumes. It was clear that the company discussed in the piece is that of Disney Inc.
ReplyDeleteThe thesis clearly states that Disney is the place where children of all ages can experience the magical environment that exercises their imagination. It is convening because anybody who’s anybody that’s been a kid can relate to a time in his or her life where they wanted to go to Disney. This does gear towards a “deep” meaning – showing that Disney is the place where dreams come true for children.
Audience is continually reinforced throughout the essay. For those that never heard of Disney, the opening paragraph states the Disney is a place for children. The entire commercial involves children and their imaginations – geared towards their child-like minds. The name Disney is enough to speak for itself, but the article does a great job convening the audience appropriately.
Clear and concise is exactly the direction the paper fallows. It is straightforward and hits the main points within the commercial convincing us that Disney is the place to take your children. Reasons to support the thesis include the audience incorporated within the commercial and even the history of Disney’s purpose. The paper refers to both logical appeal and emotional appeals found in the commercial.
One thing that could help better support the thesis is the reference to if the commercial shows a clip of Disney and actual children having fun. It is not referenced in the text but would greatly influence as an example. There are a few choice words that maybe are not appropriate, and some awkward sentences that can be easily fixed.
The final paragraph is the best paragraph. It fallows the thesis and avoids a repetition sense. Summing up the overall appeals used in the commercial and stating the entertainment Disney has to offer, this paragraph very accomplishing.